Why am I still doing this?

Here I am sitting on my couch when I could be out with my friends. Instead, I turned them down because I had soem hope that this guy was going to call me to hang out. Embarrassingly enough I sat around and waited for him to call me. Guess what...he never did! I finally sent him a text so that I knew whether or not I could get undressed and get ready for bed. He said he couldn't hang out tonight, but he would be home later; meaning he is back in town, but just di dnot want to hang out with me. Does he actually expect me to sit up and wait for him to go home and call me to come over because he is drunk and wants to put his penis in me?
I have out up with all of his stupid shit for way too long. I would have never done this with other guys. I don't care how I think I feel anymore about him and whether or not I think this relationship was actually going to go somewhere. This is so over because I am sick and tired of waiting around and wondering whether or not he actually likes me.
Poo on him!!!

Venting

I just had to vent because I am steaming right now and I really can't yell here at work.

I had my students put together a group project by acting out certain scenes from Julius Caesar. I gave them almost an entire week to do this and they did not even have to use Shakespeare's wording! My first period's performances looke like crap!!! None of the students had what I told them to have. This was supposed to be a fun and simple mjor grade for them and instead they half-assed it. I spoke with them a nd told them that it was all horrible and that if they wanted to fail the semester and be a sophomore again next year that was fine with me. I can't believe that they would just blow all of this off like they did!

Then, I gave back an essay to a student and he failed it because he wrote an entire paper using a run-on sentence! He tried to tell me that I have to tell him to use punctuation because otherwise he will do what he just did. How can you be in 10th grade and not know to use at least ONE period while writing?! ARRRGGGG!!!!!

Only 29 more days. Only 29 more days. Only 29 more days....

Tonight and This Weekend

I am excited to see how both tonight and this weekend pan out. I am having dinner with the guyI am dating tonight and then we are possibly going to the lake to play around on his new boat tomorrow. I think he may really be trying to show me that he likes me now. I am glad that we had our little talk, although I had to show him that something was wrong and I didn't like how the realationship was going by hanging out with Bob and not him. Hopefully things will go back to "normal." When I say normal I mean how they were when we first started dating. He was such a sweethear and I actually knew that he liked me and I didn't have to guess. The he got all weird, though, but that was because I wasn't just dating him. He did say that there was a trust issue in our relationship, though. This is because of the whole me and the other guy I was dating thing and then someone told him that I hung out with his friend last Friday. I didn't tell him because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He did call and ask me to go to dinner with him that night, and I told him no because I had other plans. I wasn't aware that I needed to divulge all the information to him. It wasn't any of his business anyway. He is acting like we are in a serious relationship and I am not. I will whne he decides to show me that that is what he actually wants. I don't think that my best friend likes him very much anymore. She says that he nees to grow up, which is true. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens this weekend...

I think I am done

I can't keep sitting around waiting for him to call me anymore. I know that he is with someone else. That upsets me, but then it makes me realize that he doesn't want "us" as bad as I do, otherwise, he would have let this other girl go. I have to move on; no, I have to MAKE myself move on. It is going to be difficult because there really is no one out there for me except him. Of course, this is just the way I am thinking right now. I'm sure that I will find someone else eventually, but I don't think that this person will ever be as good as him. Maybe my mom is right and I should just settle. I am dating someone right now who could provide for me for the rest of my life. Can I possible make myself fall in love with this person? Is that even possible to do? I don't even know if he ever wants to get married; according to him, he doesn't unless he finds the "perfect" wife. What the hell that is, I have no clue. I don't want to be a trophy wife, but I am thinking that that is what he wants. I could try really hard to simply live a life of luxury. It would be nice, but I would get bored. I guess that it would be nice to not have to work necessarily. That way I could just sit around all day and write. I just don't know that I have it in me to make myself like, much less love, someone. This would be the rest of my life that I would have to live like this. People do it all the time, but those people are only living their lives' for themselves. I actually enjoy doing things for other people. Granted I do like to focus on myself every once in a while, but I think that everyone should every now and then--it helps you stay sane. The only thing that I can think to do at this point is to either stay single for a while or keep dating the current guy. Obviously I like him because I would still be dating him, but I just want to have that "in love" feeling again. I know that it doesn't happen everyday because if it did, it wouldn't be that great of a feeling. I just don't know if I will ever feel that way again. That both saddens and scares me. What if I do end up being the "cat lady"? What if I am alone for the rest of my life because I am so hung up on this guy that doesn't love me anymore? This just isn't how I pictured my life. Then again, does anyone ever get their "failrtale life"? I say fairytale not in a Disney sense, but as in teh life that we all dream about when we are young. I pictured myself being married at 25 and having babies at 28. Now that I am older and "more mature" I realize that I don't think that I would want to have any children at 28, I can barely handle a dog right now. There is still so much that I want to do and see, which makes me think that maybe I should be single. I just don't want to be alone. I have never been like this. I used to enjoy being alone. There are still times when I don't feel like seeing anyone, but it is so rare. This is a strange and unchartered emotion for me, and I am still not quite sure how I feel about it. Hey, it can only get easier, right?

I am doing good

I pat myself on the back--I have not called me ex at all this week. I know it does not seem that big of a deal to others, but for me, it is great. I have just been trying to keep myself busy so that I won't think about it. That is quite hard because I think about him all the time. It seems like anywhere I am at any time of day, there is something that I will see or hear that will remind me of him. Of course I still feel like I am at a disadvantage because that "other girl" is with him and I am still here and not even allowed to contact him, but I suppose that if him and I are meant to be together, it will happen.
I have begun reading the Bible. I have never read it before and I have always wanted to. I started a long time ago, but I just don't thik that I was really "ready". I am in a different state of mind right now and I feel like I am actually going to gain something from it now. When I am reading it and after, I feel a calm come over me. I want to drink up all the words and phrases I can. I know that truly akkowing God into my life is going ot help me. I can already see and feel the difference. It was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. I really feel like other people can see a difference, too. I want to stay on this path that I am on. I am ready to be the person I am supposed to be, but not what I think other people want me to be. All I can do at this point is listen to the words of God and follow what he tells me and I am willing to do that now.

This is so hard

It was incredibly hard for me to be in San Marcos and Austin this weekend knowing that I was unable to see my ex-fiance. He was so close yet so far away (cheesy cliche, I know). He did call me one night and we talked and I cried. I absolutely understand why he can't see me, but what I don't understand is why I can't talk to him on the phone or anything. He told me that he does not want any type of contact because he has to sort things out. To me, that seems slightly unfair. How can I prove to him how much I have changed and how much I still love him if I can't contact him? I am thinking that if I do what he tells me to, he won't want me back. This other girl that he is dating has the upper hand, too because she is there with him and I am here, in another city. I can only hope that her bitch tendencies come back out or she gets back with her fiance. Why does love have to be so hard? I know if it wasn't, everyone would be in love and be happy. Also because it wouldn't be wortj it then if it was too easy. Bla, blah, blah.... Not anything that I want to hear right now. I want to hear that he still loves me and that he wants me back.

What do I do?

It was so hard for me yesterday to not contact my ex. I feel like I need to say something or I am just giving up. I know that in his email he pretty much told me that he and I can not be together right now, but it can't just end like that right?

I feel like if I don't do anything about it, he will just assume that I really didn't want it to happen and everything I said was not true. I don't want him to forget that I am still here. Not that I think he would actually forget about me, but I want to be on his mind everyday so it will maybe push this other girl out.

Everyone is telling me to just leave it alone. When he is ready, he will come back. I say, "What if this other girl is really awesome and he falls in love with her?" I don't think that I want to take that risk. He is supposed to be mine. That sounds really psycho, but I have this overwhelming feeling that him and I are supposed to be together. It just doesn't feel right without that.