I pat myself on the back--I have not called me ex at all this week. I know it does not seem that big of a deal to others, but for me, it is great. I have just been trying to keep myself busy so that I won't think about it. That is quite hard because I think about him all the time. It seems like anywhere I am at any time of day, there is something that I will see or hear that will remind me of him. Of course I still feel like I am at a disadvantage because that "other girl" is with him and I am still here and not even allowed to contact him, but I suppose that if him and I are meant to be together, it will happen.
I have begun reading the Bible. I have never read it before and I have always wanted to. I started a long time ago, but I just don't thik that I was really "ready". I am in a different state of mind right now and I feel like I am actually going to gain something from it now. When I am reading it and after, I feel a calm come over me. I want to drink up all the words and phrases I can. I know that truly akkowing God into my life is going ot help me. I can already see and feel the difference. It was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. I really feel like other people can see a difference, too. I want to stay on this path that I am on. I am ready to be the person I am supposed to be, but not what I think other people want me to be. All I can do at this point is listen to the words of God and follow what he tells me and I am willing to do that now.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
This is so hard
It was incredibly hard for me to be in San Marcos and Austin this weekend knowing that I was unable to see my ex-fiance. He was so close yet so far away (cheesy cliche, I know). He did call me one night and we talked and I cried. I absolutely understand why he can't see me, but what I don't understand is why I can't talk to him on the phone or anything. He told me that he does not want any type of contact because he has to sort things out. To me, that seems slightly unfair. How can I prove to him how much I have changed and how much I still love him if I can't contact him? I am thinking that if I do what he tells me to, he won't want me back. This other girl that he is dating has the upper hand, too because she is there with him and I am here, in another city. I can only hope that her bitch tendencies come back out or she gets back with her fiance. Why does love have to be so hard? I know if it wasn't, everyone would be in love and be happy. Also because it wouldn't be wortj it then if it was too easy. Bla, blah, blah.... Not anything that I want to hear right now. I want to hear that he still loves me and that he wants me back.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
What do I do?
It was so hard for me yesterday to not contact my ex. I feel like I need to say something or I am just giving up. I know that in his email he pretty much told me that he and I can not be together right now, but it can't just end like that right?
I feel like if I don't do anything about it, he will just assume that I really didn't want it to happen and everything I said was not true. I don't want him to forget that I am still here. Not that I think he would actually forget about me, but I want to be on his mind everyday so it will maybe push this other girl out.
Everyone is telling me to just leave it alone. When he is ready, he will come back. I say, "What if this other girl is really awesome and he falls in love with her?" I don't think that I want to take that risk. He is supposed to be mine. That sounds really psycho, but I have this overwhelming feeling that him and I are supposed to be together. It just doesn't feel right without that.
I feel like if I don't do anything about it, he will just assume that I really didn't want it to happen and everything I said was not true. I don't want him to forget that I am still here. Not that I think he would actually forget about me, but I want to be on his mind everyday so it will maybe push this other girl out.
Everyone is telling me to just leave it alone. When he is ready, he will come back. I say, "What if this other girl is really awesome and he falls in love with her?" I don't think that I want to take that risk. He is supposed to be mine. That sounds really psycho, but I have this overwhelming feeling that him and I are supposed to be together. It just doesn't feel right without that.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Bad News
After writing my blog about my ex-fiance yesterday, I sent it to him. I really wanted him to see that everything I said on the phone the night before was true.
I got shot down...
I am crushed. He didn't exactly say that he didn't want me anymore. He just said that he was happy with his life right now and that he was dating someone else. He had told me about her the day of our "talk", but to me, he made it seem like it wasn't going to work out. This girl is still engaged, but apparently her and her fiance are going through a hard time right now. I hope for his sake, she is not just using him as a rebound. He said that he really likes her, although he called her a bitch the other day. I don't get it. I am confused.
My heart is breaking all over again...
He said that he didn't want me to wait for him. How can I not wait when he is the only one I want? I guess I was just expecting him to think about it for a few days and then tell me he missed me and loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. This isn't happening how I expected it, but then again, most things don't.
I got shot down...
I am crushed. He didn't exactly say that he didn't want me anymore. He just said that he was happy with his life right now and that he was dating someone else. He had told me about her the day of our "talk", but to me, he made it seem like it wasn't going to work out. This girl is still engaged, but apparently her and her fiance are going through a hard time right now. I hope for his sake, she is not just using him as a rebound. He said that he really likes her, although he called her a bitch the other day. I don't get it. I am confused.
My heart is breaking all over again...
He said that he didn't want me to wait for him. How can I not wait when he is the only one I want? I guess I was just expecting him to think about it for a few days and then tell me he missed me and loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. This isn't happening how I expected it, but then again, most things don't.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Am I thinking clearly?
I came to the conclusion last night that I am still in love with my ex-fiance and if he asked me again, I would marry him....
No, I'm as serious as a heartattack, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am never going to find anyone like him again. He truly is one in a million. I beat myself up everyday thiking about how I screwed up my only chance of ever having true love. I realize now (a year later) that it really was mainly my fault why our relationship did not work out. I was too scared to give him everything I could. This has been my problem in most of my relationships; I don't really know how to love someone of the opposite sex. I know how it feels because I felt it with him. It was that kind of "I-love-him-so-much-it-hurts" kind of love. I wanted to be with him every waking hour and I wanted to wake up to him in the morning with his arms around me. If you know me, I hate spending too much time with one person. I like to have my "Tanya Time". It was different with him--and still is.
I know what you are thinking. It has only been a year and you haven't let yourself truly get over him...or how about, you don't really want him back you are just lonely...or you don't want "him" back you just want the way he treated you back. I have thought about all of this before. Yes, it's been a year, and for me it never takes this long to get over someone. I am usually good after two months. Yes, I am loney, for him. Yes, I do miss the way he treated me, but I only want him to treat me that way; I don't want it from anyone else.
I decided to go ahead and let him know exactly how I felt so I sent him a text last night telling him that I still oved him and wanted us to try again. He called me and the first thing he asked was "How much have you had to drink?" I hadn't had anything but tea at dinner. I was clear headed and we talked for 2 1/1 hours about the possibility of us reuniting. Of course he is not 100% on the boat like I am, but I didn't expect him to be. I was just happy that he was even considering it. I let him in on what had been going on in my life since I moved back home and I was ashamed to say that I almost fell off the deep end. I was severly depressed and began getting back into some old habits that were not good for me. Thankfully I woke up one day not wanting to be unhappy anymore. It wasn't me--I am natuarally happy (without drugs or alcohol). I decided to do something about it and glad that I did. I am feeling better and the one things that would bring it all together would be having him in my life and knowing that we are going to be able to spend the rest of our lives together.
My major responsibility to him at this point is going to be showing him that he can trust me and that I really have changed. He did tell me last night that he could tell that I was different, but still the same girl. He said I was the girl that he met and grew to love in college. That makes me feel good because that is who I want to be again. I had to rearrange my life and drop some people from my friends list in order to get here, but I now it was for the best.
All I can do is wait for him to hopefully give me a second chance...
No, I'm as serious as a heartattack, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am never going to find anyone like him again. He truly is one in a million. I beat myself up everyday thiking about how I screwed up my only chance of ever having true love. I realize now (a year later) that it really was mainly my fault why our relationship did not work out. I was too scared to give him everything I could. This has been my problem in most of my relationships; I don't really know how to love someone of the opposite sex. I know how it feels because I felt it with him. It was that kind of "I-love-him-so-much-it-hurts" kind of love. I wanted to be with him every waking hour and I wanted to wake up to him in the morning with his arms around me. If you know me, I hate spending too much time with one person. I like to have my "Tanya Time". It was different with him--and still is.
I know what you are thinking. It has only been a year and you haven't let yourself truly get over him...or how about, you don't really want him back you are just lonely...or you don't want "him" back you just want the way he treated you back. I have thought about all of this before. Yes, it's been a year, and for me it never takes this long to get over someone. I am usually good after two months. Yes, I am loney, for him. Yes, I do miss the way he treated me, but I only want him to treat me that way; I don't want it from anyone else.
I decided to go ahead and let him know exactly how I felt so I sent him a text last night telling him that I still oved him and wanted us to try again. He called me and the first thing he asked was "How much have you had to drink?" I hadn't had anything but tea at dinner. I was clear headed and we talked for 2 1/1 hours about the possibility of us reuniting. Of course he is not 100% on the boat like I am, but I didn't expect him to be. I was just happy that he was even considering it. I let him in on what had been going on in my life since I moved back home and I was ashamed to say that I almost fell off the deep end. I was severly depressed and began getting back into some old habits that were not good for me. Thankfully I woke up one day not wanting to be unhappy anymore. It wasn't me--I am natuarally happy (without drugs or alcohol). I decided to do something about it and glad that I did. I am feeling better and the one things that would bring it all together would be having him in my life and knowing that we are going to be able to spend the rest of our lives together.
My major responsibility to him at this point is going to be showing him that he can trust me and that I really have changed. He did tell me last night that he could tell that I was different, but still the same girl. He said I was the girl that he met and grew to love in college. That makes me feel good because that is who I want to be again. I had to rearrange my life and drop some people from my friends list in order to get here, but I now it was for the best.
All I can do is wait for him to hopefully give me a second chance...
Friday, March 28, 2008
Something to think about
Today’s focus is about following your instincts and “Staying the course”.
We all have that voice that guides us. I like to call it your intuition. You may call it your instincts. Whatever you call it, it’s still there. It’s always there. It’s always right and waiting for you to listen. Sometimes we get off track—on this journey we call life. Perhaps there is some path you are on and you are having a difficult time staying on the path—or you took a wrong turn. That’s okay—forgive yourself for and “wrong doings” (or faults that you see in yourself). Be strong—so you can persevere. We will find our determination—that quiet, strong, voice that says “keep going’; “Yes, you can do it”; “This is the right path”; “You are going the right way”.
As you focus on your path, I do not know where you are or what you are struggling with. Maybe you know that you are on the right path and are struggling to stay on it. Maybe you made a wrong turn. Don’t let it get you down. Learn from any mistakes that you make and get back on the path.
You would not have the wisdom and knowledge you know possess were it not for the setbacks you have faced, the mistakes you have made, and the suffering you have endured. Once and for all, come to realize that pain is a teacher and failure is the highway to success. You cannot learn how to play the guitar with hitting a few wrong notes and you will never learn to sail if you are not willing to tip the boat over a few times. Begin to see your troubles as blessings, resolve to transform your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and vow to turn your wounds into wisdom.
When life throws one of its curves, follow the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:
Have the patience with everything that remains unsolved
in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like
locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language
do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given
because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing
everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps
you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself
experiencing the answer, some distant day.
You might not even know the question. Some of you are asking “what question?”. I do not know where you are on this journey. Perhaps you know the question and are waiting for the answer. Or perhaps you are ready for the answer. Only you will know. Listen to your intuition.
This is a passage from Robin Sharma:
It is easy not to listen to what the Quakers call the “still, small voice within,” that inner guide that is your personal source of wisdom. It is often difficult to march to your own drumbeat and listen to your instinct when the world around you pressures you to conform to it dictates. Yet, to find the fulfillment and abundance you seek, you must listen to those hunches and feelings that come to you when you most need them.
As I grow older, I give far greater respect to my instincts and to the natural reservoir of intuition that slumbers within each of us. The impressions I receive when I first meet a new person or the inner sense of wisdom that softly nudges me in the right direction during a trying time have come to play a larger part in the way I work and live. It seems that with age comes the corresponding ability to trust your own instincts.
I have also found that my personal instincts grow stronger when I am living “on purpose,” to say, spending my days on activities that advance me along the path to my legacy. When you are doing the right things and living the way nature intended you to live, abilities you were not aware you had, become engaged and you liberate the fullness of the person you really are. As the Indian philosopher Patanjali eloquently wrote:
When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary projects, all of your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitation, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties, and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.
We all have that voice that guides us. I like to call it your intuition. You may call it your instincts. Whatever you call it, it’s still there. It’s always there. It’s always right and waiting for you to listen. Sometimes we get off track—on this journey we call life. Perhaps there is some path you are on and you are having a difficult time staying on the path—or you took a wrong turn. That’s okay—forgive yourself for and “wrong doings” (or faults that you see in yourself). Be strong—so you can persevere. We will find our determination—that quiet, strong, voice that says “keep going’; “Yes, you can do it”; “This is the right path”; “You are going the right way”.
As you focus on your path, I do not know where you are or what you are struggling with. Maybe you know that you are on the right path and are struggling to stay on it. Maybe you made a wrong turn. Don’t let it get you down. Learn from any mistakes that you make and get back on the path.
You would not have the wisdom and knowledge you know possess were it not for the setbacks you have faced, the mistakes you have made, and the suffering you have endured. Once and for all, come to realize that pain is a teacher and failure is the highway to success. You cannot learn how to play the guitar with hitting a few wrong notes and you will never learn to sail if you are not willing to tip the boat over a few times. Begin to see your troubles as blessings, resolve to transform your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and vow to turn your wounds into wisdom.
When life throws one of its curves, follow the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:
Have the patience with everything that remains unsolved
in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like
locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language
do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given
because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing
everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps
you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself
experiencing the answer, some distant day.
You might not even know the question. Some of you are asking “what question?”. I do not know where you are on this journey. Perhaps you know the question and are waiting for the answer. Or perhaps you are ready for the answer. Only you will know. Listen to your intuition.
This is a passage from Robin Sharma:
It is easy not to listen to what the Quakers call the “still, small voice within,” that inner guide that is your personal source of wisdom. It is often difficult to march to your own drumbeat and listen to your instinct when the world around you pressures you to conform to it dictates. Yet, to find the fulfillment and abundance you seek, you must listen to those hunches and feelings that come to you when you most need them.
As I grow older, I give far greater respect to my instincts and to the natural reservoir of intuition that slumbers within each of us. The impressions I receive when I first meet a new person or the inner sense of wisdom that softly nudges me in the right direction during a trying time have come to play a larger part in the way I work and live. It seems that with age comes the corresponding ability to trust your own instincts.
I have also found that my personal instincts grow stronger when I am living “on purpose,” to say, spending my days on activities that advance me along the path to my legacy. When you are doing the right things and living the way nature intended you to live, abilities you were not aware you had, become engaged and you liberate the fullness of the person you really are. As the Indian philosopher Patanjali eloquently wrote:
When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary projects, all of your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitation, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties, and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Uh oh, I'm in trouble
I am back with the guy that I was dating when I was trying to date two guys at one time. It didn't work out too well with the first one. We got into a little tiff while in Colorado. I just wasn't feeling it anymore and he was pretty upset by that. We are no longer on speaking terms b/c he needs to grow up and get off of Daddy's payroll.
I say that I am in trouble with this one because I am feeling something different. There is definitely a spark there, but I am afraid to jump to conclusions. I don't want to say anything and jinx myself so I am trying to keep my mouth closed. It is so hard!!!! I do like him a lot, but I don't know that I am ready to show him that. He has told me in the past that he feels the same way, and he did say that he really missed me when we stopped dating. I am scared of the same things that I am always scared of: him lying to me and feeding me a load of bull. I guess only time will tell. I may be making another mistake, but I am going to San Antonio with him this weekend. I guess I will see how things go and take it from there. I really want this one to work out.
I say that I am in trouble with this one because I am feeling something different. There is definitely a spark there, but I am afraid to jump to conclusions. I don't want to say anything and jinx myself so I am trying to keep my mouth closed. It is so hard!!!! I do like him a lot, but I don't know that I am ready to show him that. He has told me in the past that he feels the same way, and he did say that he really missed me when we stopped dating. I am scared of the same things that I am always scared of: him lying to me and feeding me a load of bull. I guess only time will tell. I may be making another mistake, but I am going to San Antonio with him this weekend. I guess I will see how things go and take it from there. I really want this one to work out.
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