It was so hard for me yesterday to not contact my ex. I feel like I need to say something or I am just giving up. I know that in his email he pretty much told me that he and I can not be together right now, but it can't just end like that right?
I feel like if I don't do anything about it, he will just assume that I really didn't want it to happen and everything I said was not true. I don't want him to forget that I am still here. Not that I think he would actually forget about me, but I want to be on his mind everyday so it will maybe push this other girl out.
Everyone is telling me to just leave it alone. When he is ready, he will come back. I say, "What if this other girl is really awesome and he falls in love with her?" I don't think that I want to take that risk. He is supposed to be mine. That sounds really psycho, but I have this overwhelming feeling that him and I are supposed to be together. It just doesn't feel right without that.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Bad News
After writing my blog about my ex-fiance yesterday, I sent it to him. I really wanted him to see that everything I said on the phone the night before was true.
I got shot down...
I am crushed. He didn't exactly say that he didn't want me anymore. He just said that he was happy with his life right now and that he was dating someone else. He had told me about her the day of our "talk", but to me, he made it seem like it wasn't going to work out. This girl is still engaged, but apparently her and her fiance are going through a hard time right now. I hope for his sake, she is not just using him as a rebound. He said that he really likes her, although he called her a bitch the other day. I don't get it. I am confused.
My heart is breaking all over again...
He said that he didn't want me to wait for him. How can I not wait when he is the only one I want? I guess I was just expecting him to think about it for a few days and then tell me he missed me and loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. This isn't happening how I expected it, but then again, most things don't.
I got shot down...
I am crushed. He didn't exactly say that he didn't want me anymore. He just said that he was happy with his life right now and that he was dating someone else. He had told me about her the day of our "talk", but to me, he made it seem like it wasn't going to work out. This girl is still engaged, but apparently her and her fiance are going through a hard time right now. I hope for his sake, she is not just using him as a rebound. He said that he really likes her, although he called her a bitch the other day. I don't get it. I am confused.
My heart is breaking all over again...
He said that he didn't want me to wait for him. How can I not wait when he is the only one I want? I guess I was just expecting him to think about it for a few days and then tell me he missed me and loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. This isn't happening how I expected it, but then again, most things don't.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Am I thinking clearly?
I came to the conclusion last night that I am still in love with my ex-fiance and if he asked me again, I would marry him....
No, I'm as serious as a heartattack, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am never going to find anyone like him again. He truly is one in a million. I beat myself up everyday thiking about how I screwed up my only chance of ever having true love. I realize now (a year later) that it really was mainly my fault why our relationship did not work out. I was too scared to give him everything I could. This has been my problem in most of my relationships; I don't really know how to love someone of the opposite sex. I know how it feels because I felt it with him. It was that kind of "I-love-him-so-much-it-hurts" kind of love. I wanted to be with him every waking hour and I wanted to wake up to him in the morning with his arms around me. If you know me, I hate spending too much time with one person. I like to have my "Tanya Time". It was different with him--and still is.
I know what you are thinking. It has only been a year and you haven't let yourself truly get over him...or how about, you don't really want him back you are just lonely...or you don't want "him" back you just want the way he treated you back. I have thought about all of this before. Yes, it's been a year, and for me it never takes this long to get over someone. I am usually good after two months. Yes, I am loney, for him. Yes, I do miss the way he treated me, but I only want him to treat me that way; I don't want it from anyone else.
I decided to go ahead and let him know exactly how I felt so I sent him a text last night telling him that I still oved him and wanted us to try again. He called me and the first thing he asked was "How much have you had to drink?" I hadn't had anything but tea at dinner. I was clear headed and we talked for 2 1/1 hours about the possibility of us reuniting. Of course he is not 100% on the boat like I am, but I didn't expect him to be. I was just happy that he was even considering it. I let him in on what had been going on in my life since I moved back home and I was ashamed to say that I almost fell off the deep end. I was severly depressed and began getting back into some old habits that were not good for me. Thankfully I woke up one day not wanting to be unhappy anymore. It wasn't me--I am natuarally happy (without drugs or alcohol). I decided to do something about it and glad that I did. I am feeling better and the one things that would bring it all together would be having him in my life and knowing that we are going to be able to spend the rest of our lives together.
My major responsibility to him at this point is going to be showing him that he can trust me and that I really have changed. He did tell me last night that he could tell that I was different, but still the same girl. He said I was the girl that he met and grew to love in college. That makes me feel good because that is who I want to be again. I had to rearrange my life and drop some people from my friends list in order to get here, but I now it was for the best.
All I can do is wait for him to hopefully give me a second chance...
No, I'm as serious as a heartattack, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am never going to find anyone like him again. He truly is one in a million. I beat myself up everyday thiking about how I screwed up my only chance of ever having true love. I realize now (a year later) that it really was mainly my fault why our relationship did not work out. I was too scared to give him everything I could. This has been my problem in most of my relationships; I don't really know how to love someone of the opposite sex. I know how it feels because I felt it with him. It was that kind of "I-love-him-so-much-it-hurts" kind of love. I wanted to be with him every waking hour and I wanted to wake up to him in the morning with his arms around me. If you know me, I hate spending too much time with one person. I like to have my "Tanya Time". It was different with him--and still is.
I know what you are thinking. It has only been a year and you haven't let yourself truly get over him...or how about, you don't really want him back you are just lonely...or you don't want "him" back you just want the way he treated you back. I have thought about all of this before. Yes, it's been a year, and for me it never takes this long to get over someone. I am usually good after two months. Yes, I am loney, for him. Yes, I do miss the way he treated me, but I only want him to treat me that way; I don't want it from anyone else.
I decided to go ahead and let him know exactly how I felt so I sent him a text last night telling him that I still oved him and wanted us to try again. He called me and the first thing he asked was "How much have you had to drink?" I hadn't had anything but tea at dinner. I was clear headed and we talked for 2 1/1 hours about the possibility of us reuniting. Of course he is not 100% on the boat like I am, but I didn't expect him to be. I was just happy that he was even considering it. I let him in on what had been going on in my life since I moved back home and I was ashamed to say that I almost fell off the deep end. I was severly depressed and began getting back into some old habits that were not good for me. Thankfully I woke up one day not wanting to be unhappy anymore. It wasn't me--I am natuarally happy (without drugs or alcohol). I decided to do something about it and glad that I did. I am feeling better and the one things that would bring it all together would be having him in my life and knowing that we are going to be able to spend the rest of our lives together.
My major responsibility to him at this point is going to be showing him that he can trust me and that I really have changed. He did tell me last night that he could tell that I was different, but still the same girl. He said I was the girl that he met and grew to love in college. That makes me feel good because that is who I want to be again. I had to rearrange my life and drop some people from my friends list in order to get here, but I now it was for the best.
All I can do is wait for him to hopefully give me a second chance...
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