Tonight and This Weekend

I am excited to see how both tonight and this weekend pan out. I am having dinner with the guyI am dating tonight and then we are possibly going to the lake to play around on his new boat tomorrow. I think he may really be trying to show me that he likes me now. I am glad that we had our little talk, although I had to show him that something was wrong and I didn't like how the realationship was going by hanging out with Bob and not him. Hopefully things will go back to "normal." When I say normal I mean how they were when we first started dating. He was such a sweethear and I actually knew that he liked me and I didn't have to guess. The he got all weird, though, but that was because I wasn't just dating him. He did say that there was a trust issue in our relationship, though. This is because of the whole me and the other guy I was dating thing and then someone told him that I hung out with his friend last Friday. I didn't tell him because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He did call and ask me to go to dinner with him that night, and I told him no because I had other plans. I wasn't aware that I needed to divulge all the information to him. It wasn't any of his business anyway. He is acting like we are in a serious relationship and I am not. I will whne he decides to show me that that is what he actually wants. I don't think that my best friend likes him very much anymore. She says that he nees to grow up, which is true. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens this weekend...

I think I am done

I can't keep sitting around waiting for him to call me anymore. I know that he is with someone else. That upsets me, but then it makes me realize that he doesn't want "us" as bad as I do, otherwise, he would have let this other girl go. I have to move on; no, I have to MAKE myself move on. It is going to be difficult because there really is no one out there for me except him. Of course, this is just the way I am thinking right now. I'm sure that I will find someone else eventually, but I don't think that this person will ever be as good as him. Maybe my mom is right and I should just settle. I am dating someone right now who could provide for me for the rest of my life. Can I possible make myself fall in love with this person? Is that even possible to do? I don't even know if he ever wants to get married; according to him, he doesn't unless he finds the "perfect" wife. What the hell that is, I have no clue. I don't want to be a trophy wife, but I am thinking that that is what he wants. I could try really hard to simply live a life of luxury. It would be nice, but I would get bored. I guess that it would be nice to not have to work necessarily. That way I could just sit around all day and write. I just don't know that I have it in me to make myself like, much less love, someone. This would be the rest of my life that I would have to live like this. People do it all the time, but those people are only living their lives' for themselves. I actually enjoy doing things for other people. Granted I do like to focus on myself every once in a while, but I think that everyone should every now and then--it helps you stay sane. The only thing that I can think to do at this point is to either stay single for a while or keep dating the current guy. Obviously I like him because I would still be dating him, but I just want to have that "in love" feeling again. I know that it doesn't happen everyday because if it did, it wouldn't be that great of a feeling. I just don't know if I will ever feel that way again. That both saddens and scares me. What if I do end up being the "cat lady"? What if I am alone for the rest of my life because I am so hung up on this guy that doesn't love me anymore? This just isn't how I pictured my life. Then again, does anyone ever get their "failrtale life"? I say fairytale not in a Disney sense, but as in teh life that we all dream about when we are young. I pictured myself being married at 25 and having babies at 28. Now that I am older and "more mature" I realize that I don't think that I would want to have any children at 28, I can barely handle a dog right now. There is still so much that I want to do and see, which makes me think that maybe I should be single. I just don't want to be alone. I have never been like this. I used to enjoy being alone. There are still times when I don't feel like seeing anyone, but it is so rare. This is a strange and unchartered emotion for me, and I am still not quite sure how I feel about it. Hey, it can only get easier, right?