I am doing good

I pat myself on the back--I have not called me ex at all this week. I know it does not seem that big of a deal to others, but for me, it is great. I have just been trying to keep myself busy so that I won't think about it. That is quite hard because I think about him all the time. It seems like anywhere I am at any time of day, there is something that I will see or hear that will remind me of him. Of course I still feel like I am at a disadvantage because that "other girl" is with him and I am still here and not even allowed to contact him, but I suppose that if him and I are meant to be together, it will happen.
I have begun reading the Bible. I have never read it before and I have always wanted to. I started a long time ago, but I just don't thik that I was really "ready". I am in a different state of mind right now and I feel like I am actually going to gain something from it now. When I am reading it and after, I feel a calm come over me. I want to drink up all the words and phrases I can. I know that truly akkowing God into my life is going ot help me. I can already see and feel the difference. It was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. I really feel like other people can see a difference, too. I want to stay on this path that I am on. I am ready to be the person I am supposed to be, but not what I think other people want me to be. All I can do at this point is listen to the words of God and follow what he tells me and I am willing to do that now.

This is so hard

It was incredibly hard for me to be in San Marcos and Austin this weekend knowing that I was unable to see my ex-fiance. He was so close yet so far away (cheesy cliche, I know). He did call me one night and we talked and I cried. I absolutely understand why he can't see me, but what I don't understand is why I can't talk to him on the phone or anything. He told me that he does not want any type of contact because he has to sort things out. To me, that seems slightly unfair. How can I prove to him how much I have changed and how much I still love him if I can't contact him? I am thinking that if I do what he tells me to, he won't want me back. This other girl that he is dating has the upper hand, too because she is there with him and I am here, in another city. I can only hope that her bitch tendencies come back out or she gets back with her fiance. Why does love have to be so hard? I know if it wasn't, everyone would be in love and be happy. Also because it wouldn't be wortj it then if it was too easy. Bla, blah, blah.... Not anything that I want to hear right now. I want to hear that he still loves me and that he wants me back.