Jealousy is and Angry Monster

Jealousy is being "green with an envy". I always thought it was ironic that money is green and the color green symbolizes jealousy in literature.

I am going through the same thing I have been going through my whole life. My "friends" are not really my friends. I have some horrible rumors floating around about me. I don't understand why tis is happening now. We are too old to still be doing this.

It all started because I was making some bad choices again, but nothing nearly as bad as it had ever been before. I understand that they are concerned, but come to me first, not the guy I am dating. Plus, one of them is never out anymore so she has no clue what is the truth and what is a lie. Everything is just out of control...

Needless to say I am doing some house cleaning in the freinds department. I am always doing this every few years. I should have found my good friends by now. I do know of one for sure and she is awesome. I think this friendship is going to go a long way, at least I hope it does.

Moving Sermon

I went to church yesterday with Jon, the guy I am dating, and I was a bit skeptical at first. We attended the 11:11 service at Second Baptist. I had never been to this church before and was taken aback when I saw it as we drove up. This place is huge! It looks like a junior college from the outside and the inside is just as big. I told Jon that I was not going to like it here because it was too big and I liked small, intimate churches better. Yes, I judged based on appearance and I know that I should not do that, but I couldn't help it and was strictly going off of past experiences. So we went in and found a seat and the service began. There was a lot of singing, but it was contemporary music and you weren't forced to join in so that was good. There was a guest minister that day. He was a very good speaker. They were talking about the book of James and how our tongue is the root of all evil, but how we cannot necessarily change it or make it better, but God can. The guest minister told a story about a boy who was born to his mother out of wedlock and he never knew his father. He was called a bastard and never had any friends or playmates. It was a very sad and moving story--I actually cried. When I looked around, though, I was not the only one crying. The minister was actually choking back tears as he was delivering the speech. It was a story of triumph; a true ugly duckling to swan story. I was overcome with emotion and was afriad that I would not be able to stop crying, but Jon comforted me and eventually I got a hold of my emotions. It was a beautiful service. Jon said that the minister at the church was just as good as the guest who spoke. I am looking forward to going again next Sunday.
I wish that some of the people in my life would have been there to hear him explain this section on James. They could have benefited from it as greatly as I did. I am trying hard to not speak badly about or to people. Yes, it is hard, but I realize how badly words can hurt or help someone. It is ironic that my mom hurt me with her words that same day only a few minutes after leaving church. She got angry with me for no reason at all and hung up on me. I have not spoken with her since then. I am still not sure what it was she wanted or why she was so angry. After getting off the phone with her, I just started bawling. I felt bad that Jon had to sit there and witness it, but I had to let it out. I had explained a little bit about the relationship that my mom and I have to him before, but he got to see it first hand. He was amazed and shocked to see that my mom would treat me that way. I just want a mother who loves me because she wants to and not because she has to.

the right one

I asked for a second chance and got it. I think I picked the right one this time. I am just surprised that I was given this chance. I really broke this guy's heart.

So far so good, though. We are having a great time and everything is really relaxed. It feel so comfortbale, but sometimes I think it feels too comfortable. Is it supposed to be like this already? Here I go again, over-analyzing everything. I always do this when I am in a relationship. I can't just let things go the way they are supposed to so I wind up screwing everything up.

I almost did that this weekend. I gave a different guy my phone number right in front of my new guy. Don't ask me why, I guess it just makes me feel good to know that there are still other guys out there who want me and find me attractive. That makes me question whether or not I am truly ready to settle down. I am beginning to see that this whole going clubbing every weekend thing isn't working for me anymore. I never have as much fun as I used to no matter how much I drink or who I am with. I would much rather go to a nice restaraunt and have a noce dinner and go home and relax. That has to count for something, right?

Picked the worng one...AGAIN

Looks like I picked the worng guy again. Why do I always do this? Maybe my friends are right, I like to be treated like crap, which is why I pick all the crappy guys.

I thought for sure I had the right one. He was everything I have been looking for. Good looking, great job, nice salary, adventurous, likes good food and wine, and he wore glasses (the icing on the cake). He is older and I figured more mature; the two usually go hand in hand. Turns out, that is not necessarily true. I have not heard from him in five days after he went out with someone else on Valentine's Day! If you don't like me, fine, but don't ignore me! Grow up. I am sick of dating boys, I want to date a man.

I can only hope that the other guy will still give me a chance. But, do I want that second chance? What does it mean if I can't stop thinking about him, but I am still unsure of whether or not I want a serious relationship with him? He is so great to me and I can see myself marrying hin and having a family and really being happy, but I can't see myself sleeping with him. That is a big part of a relationship for me. If it's not good in the bedroom, it can't be good anywhere else. I know that he is good for me, and I know that my family would love him. Why does it have to be this hard?

Happy Valentine's Say

I am single this Valentine's Day and I don't really have a problem with it...

Lesson Learned

I definitely learned a lesson this time!

There is no way that I can date two guys at one time. It is too stressful and too hurtful to each party involved.

I recently had to break it off with one of the guys I was dating; go figure it was the one who really liked me. He is one of those guys that would run into a burning building to save me knowing that he was not going to make it out. He is going to make a great husband and father for someone one day, but not for me. There was soemthing missing and I didn't want to drag him along until it showed up or until I forced it, it would be false. I have never felt as bad as I did the day I told him we should stop dating. I almost started crying and I wasn't even the one who was being broken up with!

The guy who I am still seeing was hurt, also. He said he felt like I was being "shady" by not telling him things that were going on with the other guy. True, I let out details in my plan, but it was none of his business what I did or who it was with. I told him that I was dating someone else, and when he asked, I was truthful about who I was with. I really like him and I think I really screwed it up. We decided to keep seeing each other and take it from there.

Moral of the story: Don't date two people at once; it's a losing battle.

2 for 1

I am doing something right now that I said I would never do: dating two guys at one time. I always knew of girls who dated more than one person at a time and I never knew how they did it. I always told myself that I would never do that because someone would wind up getting hurt and I just didn't think I had it in me to do it. I got into this situation somewhat by accident. I didn't mean to put myself in this situation.
One relationship branched from friendship and turned into him and me hanging out quite a bit each week, which includes us going to dinner and even taking our dogs to the park together. The other came from us meeting through mutual friends.
This is so stressful and I still don't understand how some people can do it. I am so confused by my feelings and the guys' feelings. I am scared because I don't want to get hurt, but I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, although I am fully aware that this is impossible. My brain is going crazy with trying to decide which one I want to be with. One day a I really like one and then the next I really like the other. Both of them have such great qualities, but they are both so different. I wish there was some wayto mold them into one and that would be the perfect man for me.
I know that I need to make a decision some time soon because if I don't I am going to end up with neither.