Is this it?

Okay, I had a talk with my boyfriend and I have not been worried about the "big move" for a while now. I am actually welcoming the change and I am truly excited that I am going to be ableto see him everyday. I like the fact that I get to fall asleep and wakeup with him there. I think this is really going to work because we are both pretty independent people. We like our space, but we like each other, too. Neither one of us gets angry or upset when we want alone time or would rather hang out with just or friends.
I love him like I have never loved before. I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life and allowing us to love one another the way and as much as we do. I'm sure that we will run into some rough patches while under the same roof, but that is what builds a good relationship. So far we have been able to handle everything in a very mature manner. Hopefully this will just get better with time.

Is he ready?

My boyfriend and I have decided to move into together. It's a big step; no a HUGE step. Ihave been here before and I don't want the same outcome as last time, but I am not putting up any walls this time. I am letting things happen as they happen. He, my boyfriend, has never reallyhad a "real" girlfriend. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I am beginning to question if he really is ready for a serious relationship or if he even knows what it means to be in a serious relationship.

He has been spending more time with his friends lately than with me. I know that he does not want the relationship to end, I just think that hedoesn't understand. I want him to hang out with his friends because I want to hang out with mine. When he does hang out with his friends, though he tends to drink too much and back out on plans that him and I had or he "forgets". I told him that he has a girlfriend now and he can't really act the same way he did when he was single. He said that he understood, but he pretty much dod the same thing again this weekend. He has really been letting me down lately and I am not sure what is going on. I have tried talking with him, but it doesn't really seem like it is going anywhere and now I am getting the feeling that he just tellingme what I want to hear, or what he thinks I want to hear. I just want the truth. I don't want him to think that I am whining or being a "girl". I have been going through a lot of stress at work lately and I am trying not to take anything out on him. I just want him to be there for me like I am for him and I don't feel like he is.

I just find myself questioning whether or not us moving in together is a good idea. What's it going to be like when we do? Will it be good because we will get to spend more time together or will he simply find excuses to get out of the house and be with his friends? Am I going to be like one of those girls you see on TV who has cooked a fantastic dinner and is left sitting at the table by herself watching the candle wax drip onto the tablecloth and finishing off the bottle of wine herself? This move will make or break the relationship and I don't think that he understands that.

Adaptability of Hair

So it seems that my hair has fully adapted to the humid hair of Houston, Texas. (Seeing as how I have lived here most of my life, I would have assumed that it would have happened earlier.)
This morning there was only a dewpoint in the low 50's (wonderful for Texas) and it actually felt really nice for it alreading being 72. I went through my normal "getting ready routine"; this involves me walking my dog. I figured that my hair would look fabulous since the weather was headed in that direction. When I went to the restroom this morning my hair was a hot mess! It was actually frizzy with fly aways! I tried to get it down with a little water, but it refused to cooperate with me. I can now only assume that my hair does not work well in nice weather anymore. Ha! Who would've ever thought?

This is it...well, it better be anyway

I found him. For real this time. I have found the perfect man for me. He is smart, funny, and sexy, and what matters the most is that he loves me for who I am. This is the first time that I have been truly open about who I am. I don;t feel like I have to act a certain way around him...I know that nothing I do or say is going to throw him off. He s just as crazy and retarded acting as I am and that is what I really love about him. This time it is different. It is so different than it was with my ex fiance. This love is real and true and feel like it is supposed to last forever--how can it not. I have it bad, too. I hate being away from him even for a few hours; I almost feel like a psycho because of it. I don't want it to go away, though, I like it; no love it! I don't want to be away from him and that is so strange for me. I like my "Tanya Time", but I don't really want that with him. I love spending all weekend with him. From Friday evenings at dinner to our Sundays on the pallet in the living room. I don't think that it gets any better than this.

I know it's mean, but...

I am a teacher and I know that some older teachers don't have the greatest sense of style, in fact, older people in general don't. But this colleague of mine just keeps me guessing everyday of the week.

I don't know how she puts her outfits together in the morning, but she has to still be sleeping when she gets dressed. She tried to add little "details" to her "outfits", but it just throws them off all. Don't get me wrong, I am all about adding persoal touches to your outfits, but it still has to look good. I was leaving the teacher's lounge and walking back to my room this morning and she was walking to her's and I had to keep myself from busting out and laughing.

What really confuses me is when people such as parents or admninstrators complain about the way the younger employees dress when we have those people in the workplace who don't even match! At least I look professional. Just because I like to stick with the trends somewhat and not look like an old raggedy English teacher, doesn't make me a bad person. I enjoy looking good, and I think it helps me to my job better.

WOW! Is all I have left to say.

Today

So, I am really going to dump this guy (if he ever calls me back). That is really sad... What the hell was I thinking?

Anyway, I have also decided that I am going to be single for a while. I still need to "fix" myself before I can give someone else my all. I did have the best sex EVER this weekened, though! No one knows about it, and that is how I want it to stay. I didn't think that I would be able to find anyone as good as my ex-fiance, but I think I have. YES!!! I'm okay with having a bed-buddy; no strings attached. Sometimes it is so much better than being in an actual relationship. I think more people should do it. The world would be such a happier place to be. It's hard, though sometimes to have sexual relations with someone and not start having true feelings for that person. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is just sex and that is all. We will see what happens with this one. I really can't stop thinking about it, though....

What should I do now?

Emabarrassingly enough, I met a guy on the Internet and then agreed to meet him in person. He was great. He is attractive, smart, funny, and adventurous. I had a wonderful time, but I still don't wan tto end things with the other guy I am dating. I know that he is a poo poo head and I keep complaining about how he treats me, but for some reason, I can't let him go. There is something keeping me there and I don't know if it's God or if it is just me being lonely. There is no way I can pass up on this other guy. Maybe God is trying to test me to see what I am going to do in this situation. Am I going to stay with the jerk or will I go with the nice guy? That answer seems like it would be pretty simple to answer, but for some reason it isn't. Am I just destined to live my life going from one asshole to another?

Why am I still doing this?

Here I am sitting on my couch when I could be out with my friends. Instead, I turned them down because I had soem hope that this guy was going to call me to hang out. Embarrassingly enough I sat around and waited for him to call me. Guess what...he never did! I finally sent him a text so that I knew whether or not I could get undressed and get ready for bed. He said he couldn't hang out tonight, but he would be home later; meaning he is back in town, but just di dnot want to hang out with me. Does he actually expect me to sit up and wait for him to go home and call me to come over because he is drunk and wants to put his penis in me?
I have out up with all of his stupid shit for way too long. I would have never done this with other guys. I don't care how I think I feel anymore about him and whether or not I think this relationship was actually going to go somewhere. This is so over because I am sick and tired of waiting around and wondering whether or not he actually likes me.
Poo on him!!!

Venting

I just had to vent because I am steaming right now and I really can't yell here at work.

I had my students put together a group project by acting out certain scenes from Julius Caesar. I gave them almost an entire week to do this and they did not even have to use Shakespeare's wording! My first period's performances looke like crap!!! None of the students had what I told them to have. This was supposed to be a fun and simple mjor grade for them and instead they half-assed it. I spoke with them a nd told them that it was all horrible and that if they wanted to fail the semester and be a sophomore again next year that was fine with me. I can't believe that they would just blow all of this off like they did!

Then, I gave back an essay to a student and he failed it because he wrote an entire paper using a run-on sentence! He tried to tell me that I have to tell him to use punctuation because otherwise he will do what he just did. How can you be in 10th grade and not know to use at least ONE period while writing?! ARRRGGGG!!!!!

Only 29 more days. Only 29 more days. Only 29 more days....

Tonight and This Weekend

I am excited to see how both tonight and this weekend pan out. I am having dinner with the guyI am dating tonight and then we are possibly going to the lake to play around on his new boat tomorrow. I think he may really be trying to show me that he likes me now. I am glad that we had our little talk, although I had to show him that something was wrong and I didn't like how the realationship was going by hanging out with Bob and not him. Hopefully things will go back to "normal." When I say normal I mean how they were when we first started dating. He was such a sweethear and I actually knew that he liked me and I didn't have to guess. The he got all weird, though, but that was because I wasn't just dating him. He did say that there was a trust issue in our relationship, though. This is because of the whole me and the other guy I was dating thing and then someone told him that I hung out with his friend last Friday. I didn't tell him because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He did call and ask me to go to dinner with him that night, and I told him no because I had other plans. I wasn't aware that I needed to divulge all the information to him. It wasn't any of his business anyway. He is acting like we are in a serious relationship and I am not. I will whne he decides to show me that that is what he actually wants. I don't think that my best friend likes him very much anymore. She says that he nees to grow up, which is true. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens this weekend...

I think I am done

I can't keep sitting around waiting for him to call me anymore. I know that he is with someone else. That upsets me, but then it makes me realize that he doesn't want "us" as bad as I do, otherwise, he would have let this other girl go. I have to move on; no, I have to MAKE myself move on. It is going to be difficult because there really is no one out there for me except him. Of course, this is just the way I am thinking right now. I'm sure that I will find someone else eventually, but I don't think that this person will ever be as good as him. Maybe my mom is right and I should just settle. I am dating someone right now who could provide for me for the rest of my life. Can I possible make myself fall in love with this person? Is that even possible to do? I don't even know if he ever wants to get married; according to him, he doesn't unless he finds the "perfect" wife. What the hell that is, I have no clue. I don't want to be a trophy wife, but I am thinking that that is what he wants. I could try really hard to simply live a life of luxury. It would be nice, but I would get bored. I guess that it would be nice to not have to work necessarily. That way I could just sit around all day and write. I just don't know that I have it in me to make myself like, much less love, someone. This would be the rest of my life that I would have to live like this. People do it all the time, but those people are only living their lives' for themselves. I actually enjoy doing things for other people. Granted I do like to focus on myself every once in a while, but I think that everyone should every now and then--it helps you stay sane. The only thing that I can think to do at this point is to either stay single for a while or keep dating the current guy. Obviously I like him because I would still be dating him, but I just want to have that "in love" feeling again. I know that it doesn't happen everyday because if it did, it wouldn't be that great of a feeling. I just don't know if I will ever feel that way again. That both saddens and scares me. What if I do end up being the "cat lady"? What if I am alone for the rest of my life because I am so hung up on this guy that doesn't love me anymore? This just isn't how I pictured my life. Then again, does anyone ever get their "failrtale life"? I say fairytale not in a Disney sense, but as in teh life that we all dream about when we are young. I pictured myself being married at 25 and having babies at 28. Now that I am older and "more mature" I realize that I don't think that I would want to have any children at 28, I can barely handle a dog right now. There is still so much that I want to do and see, which makes me think that maybe I should be single. I just don't want to be alone. I have never been like this. I used to enjoy being alone. There are still times when I don't feel like seeing anyone, but it is so rare. This is a strange and unchartered emotion for me, and I am still not quite sure how I feel about it. Hey, it can only get easier, right?

I am doing good

I pat myself on the back--I have not called me ex at all this week. I know it does not seem that big of a deal to others, but for me, it is great. I have just been trying to keep myself busy so that I won't think about it. That is quite hard because I think about him all the time. It seems like anywhere I am at any time of day, there is something that I will see or hear that will remind me of him. Of course I still feel like I am at a disadvantage because that "other girl" is with him and I am still here and not even allowed to contact him, but I suppose that if him and I are meant to be together, it will happen.
I have begun reading the Bible. I have never read it before and I have always wanted to. I started a long time ago, but I just don't thik that I was really "ready". I am in a different state of mind right now and I feel like I am actually going to gain something from it now. When I am reading it and after, I feel a calm come over me. I want to drink up all the words and phrases I can. I know that truly akkowing God into my life is going ot help me. I can already see and feel the difference. It was so much easier than I ever thought it would be. I really feel like other people can see a difference, too. I want to stay on this path that I am on. I am ready to be the person I am supposed to be, but not what I think other people want me to be. All I can do at this point is listen to the words of God and follow what he tells me and I am willing to do that now.

This is so hard

It was incredibly hard for me to be in San Marcos and Austin this weekend knowing that I was unable to see my ex-fiance. He was so close yet so far away (cheesy cliche, I know). He did call me one night and we talked and I cried. I absolutely understand why he can't see me, but what I don't understand is why I can't talk to him on the phone or anything. He told me that he does not want any type of contact because he has to sort things out. To me, that seems slightly unfair. How can I prove to him how much I have changed and how much I still love him if I can't contact him? I am thinking that if I do what he tells me to, he won't want me back. This other girl that he is dating has the upper hand, too because she is there with him and I am here, in another city. I can only hope that her bitch tendencies come back out or she gets back with her fiance. Why does love have to be so hard? I know if it wasn't, everyone would be in love and be happy. Also because it wouldn't be wortj it then if it was too easy. Bla, blah, blah.... Not anything that I want to hear right now. I want to hear that he still loves me and that he wants me back.

What do I do?

It was so hard for me yesterday to not contact my ex. I feel like I need to say something or I am just giving up. I know that in his email he pretty much told me that he and I can not be together right now, but it can't just end like that right?

I feel like if I don't do anything about it, he will just assume that I really didn't want it to happen and everything I said was not true. I don't want him to forget that I am still here. Not that I think he would actually forget about me, but I want to be on his mind everyday so it will maybe push this other girl out.

Everyone is telling me to just leave it alone. When he is ready, he will come back. I say, "What if this other girl is really awesome and he falls in love with her?" I don't think that I want to take that risk. He is supposed to be mine. That sounds really psycho, but I have this overwhelming feeling that him and I are supposed to be together. It just doesn't feel right without that.

Bad News

After writing my blog about my ex-fiance yesterday, I sent it to him. I really wanted him to see that everything I said on the phone the night before was true.

I got shot down...

I am crushed. He didn't exactly say that he didn't want me anymore. He just said that he was happy with his life right now and that he was dating someone else. He had told me about her the day of our "talk", but to me, he made it seem like it wasn't going to work out. This girl is still engaged, but apparently her and her fiance are going through a hard time right now. I hope for his sake, she is not just using him as a rebound. He said that he really likes her, although he called her a bitch the other day. I don't get it. I am confused.

My heart is breaking all over again...

He said that he didn't want me to wait for him. How can I not wait when he is the only one I want? I guess I was just expecting him to think about it for a few days and then tell me he missed me and loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. This isn't happening how I expected it, but then again, most things don't.

Am I thinking clearly?

I came to the conclusion last night that I am still in love with my ex-fiance and if he asked me again, I would marry him....

No, I'm as serious as a heartattack, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am never going to find anyone like him again. He truly is one in a million. I beat myself up everyday thiking about how I screwed up my only chance of ever having true love. I realize now (a year later) that it really was mainly my fault why our relationship did not work out. I was too scared to give him everything I could. This has been my problem in most of my relationships; I don't really know how to love someone of the opposite sex. I know how it feels because I felt it with him. It was that kind of "I-love-him-so-much-it-hurts" kind of love. I wanted to be with him every waking hour and I wanted to wake up to him in the morning with his arms around me. If you know me, I hate spending too much time with one person. I like to have my "Tanya Time". It was different with him--and still is.

I know what you are thinking. It has only been a year and you haven't let yourself truly get over him...or how about, you don't really want him back you are just lonely...or you don't want "him" back you just want the way he treated you back. I have thought about all of this before. Yes, it's been a year, and for me it never takes this long to get over someone. I am usually good after two months. Yes, I am loney, for him. Yes, I do miss the way he treated me, but I only want him to treat me that way; I don't want it from anyone else.

I decided to go ahead and let him know exactly how I felt so I sent him a text last night telling him that I still oved him and wanted us to try again. He called me and the first thing he asked was "How much have you had to drink?" I hadn't had anything but tea at dinner. I was clear headed and we talked for 2 1/1 hours about the possibility of us reuniting. Of course he is not 100% on the boat like I am, but I didn't expect him to be. I was just happy that he was even considering it. I let him in on what had been going on in my life since I moved back home and I was ashamed to say that I almost fell off the deep end. I was severly depressed and began getting back into some old habits that were not good for me. Thankfully I woke up one day not wanting to be unhappy anymore. It wasn't me--I am natuarally happy (without drugs or alcohol). I decided to do something about it and glad that I did. I am feeling better and the one things that would bring it all together would be having him in my life and knowing that we are going to be able to spend the rest of our lives together.

My major responsibility to him at this point is going to be showing him that he can trust me and that I really have changed. He did tell me last night that he could tell that I was different, but still the same girl. He said I was the girl that he met and grew to love in college. That makes me feel good because that is who I want to be again. I had to rearrange my life and drop some people from my friends list in order to get here, but I now it was for the best.

All I can do is wait for him to hopefully give me a second chance...

Something to think about

Today’s focus is about following your instincts and “Staying the course”.
We all have that voice that guides us. I like to call it your intuition. You may call it your instincts. Whatever you call it, it’s still there. It’s always there. It’s always right and waiting for you to listen. Sometimes we get off track—on this journey we call life. Perhaps there is some path you are on and you are having a difficult time staying on the path—or you took a wrong turn. That’s okay—forgive yourself for and “wrong doings” (or faults that you see in yourself). Be strong—so you can persevere. We will find our determination—that quiet, strong, voice that says “keep going’; “Yes, you can do it”; “This is the right path”; “You are going the right way”.
As you focus on your path, I do not know where you are or what you are struggling with. Maybe you know that you are on the right path and are struggling to stay on it. Maybe you made a wrong turn. Don’t let it get you down. Learn from any mistakes that you make and get back on the path.

You would not have the wisdom and knowledge you know possess were it not for the setbacks you have faced, the mistakes you have made, and the suffering you have endured. Once and for all, come to realize that pain is a teacher and failure is the highway to success. You cannot learn how to play the guitar with hitting a few wrong notes and you will never learn to sail if you are not willing to tip the boat over a few times. Begin to see your troubles as blessings, resolve to transform your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and vow to turn your wounds into wisdom.
When life throws one of its curves, follow the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:
Have the patience with everything that remains unsolved
in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like
locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language
do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given
because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing
everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps
you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself
experiencing the answer, some distant day.

You might not even know the question. Some of you are asking “what question?”. I do not know where you are on this journey. Perhaps you know the question and are waiting for the answer. Or perhaps you are ready for the answer. Only you will know. Listen to your intuition.

This is a passage from Robin Sharma:
It is easy not to listen to what the Quakers call the “still, small voice within,” that inner guide that is your personal source of wisdom. It is often difficult to march to your own drumbeat and listen to your instinct when the world around you pressures you to conform to it dictates. Yet, to find the fulfillment and abundance you seek, you must listen to those hunches and feelings that come to you when you most need them.
As I grow older, I give far greater respect to my instincts and to the natural reservoir of intuition that slumbers within each of us. The impressions I receive when I first meet a new person or the inner sense of wisdom that softly nudges me in the right direction during a trying time have come to play a larger part in the way I work and live. It seems that with age comes the corresponding ability to trust your own instincts.
I have also found that my personal instincts grow stronger when I am living “on purpose,” to say, spending my days on activities that advance me along the path to my legacy. When you are doing the right things and living the way nature intended you to live, abilities you were not aware you had, become engaged and you liberate the fullness of the person you really are. As the Indian philosopher Patanjali eloquently wrote:
When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary projects, all of your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitation, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties, and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.

Uh oh, I'm in trouble

I am back with the guy that I was dating when I was trying to date two guys at one time. It didn't work out too well with the first one. We got into a little tiff while in Colorado. I just wasn't feeling it anymore and he was pretty upset by that. We are no longer on speaking terms b/c he needs to grow up and get off of Daddy's payroll.
I say that I am in trouble with this one because I am feeling something different. There is definitely a spark there, but I am afraid to jump to conclusions. I don't want to say anything and jinx myself so I am trying to keep my mouth closed. It is so hard!!!! I do like him a lot, but I don't know that I am ready to show him that. He has told me in the past that he feels the same way, and he did say that he really missed me when we stopped dating. I am scared of the same things that I am always scared of: him lying to me and feeding me a load of bull. I guess only time will tell. I may be making another mistake, but I am going to San Antonio with him this weekend. I guess I will see how things go and take it from there. I really want this one to work out.

Jealousy is and Angry Monster

Jealousy is being "green with an envy". I always thought it was ironic that money is green and the color green symbolizes jealousy in literature.

I am going through the same thing I have been going through my whole life. My "friends" are not really my friends. I have some horrible rumors floating around about me. I don't understand why tis is happening now. We are too old to still be doing this.

It all started because I was making some bad choices again, but nothing nearly as bad as it had ever been before. I understand that they are concerned, but come to me first, not the guy I am dating. Plus, one of them is never out anymore so she has no clue what is the truth and what is a lie. Everything is just out of control...

Needless to say I am doing some house cleaning in the freinds department. I am always doing this every few years. I should have found my good friends by now. I do know of one for sure and she is awesome. I think this friendship is going to go a long way, at least I hope it does.

Moving Sermon

I went to church yesterday with Jon, the guy I am dating, and I was a bit skeptical at first. We attended the 11:11 service at Second Baptist. I had never been to this church before and was taken aback when I saw it as we drove up. This place is huge! It looks like a junior college from the outside and the inside is just as big. I told Jon that I was not going to like it here because it was too big and I liked small, intimate churches better. Yes, I judged based on appearance and I know that I should not do that, but I couldn't help it and was strictly going off of past experiences. So we went in and found a seat and the service began. There was a lot of singing, but it was contemporary music and you weren't forced to join in so that was good. There was a guest minister that day. He was a very good speaker. They were talking about the book of James and how our tongue is the root of all evil, but how we cannot necessarily change it or make it better, but God can. The guest minister told a story about a boy who was born to his mother out of wedlock and he never knew his father. He was called a bastard and never had any friends or playmates. It was a very sad and moving story--I actually cried. When I looked around, though, I was not the only one crying. The minister was actually choking back tears as he was delivering the speech. It was a story of triumph; a true ugly duckling to swan story. I was overcome with emotion and was afriad that I would not be able to stop crying, but Jon comforted me and eventually I got a hold of my emotions. It was a beautiful service. Jon said that the minister at the church was just as good as the guest who spoke. I am looking forward to going again next Sunday.
I wish that some of the people in my life would have been there to hear him explain this section on James. They could have benefited from it as greatly as I did. I am trying hard to not speak badly about or to people. Yes, it is hard, but I realize how badly words can hurt or help someone. It is ironic that my mom hurt me with her words that same day only a few minutes after leaving church. She got angry with me for no reason at all and hung up on me. I have not spoken with her since then. I am still not sure what it was she wanted or why she was so angry. After getting off the phone with her, I just started bawling. I felt bad that Jon had to sit there and witness it, but I had to let it out. I had explained a little bit about the relationship that my mom and I have to him before, but he got to see it first hand. He was amazed and shocked to see that my mom would treat me that way. I just want a mother who loves me because she wants to and not because she has to.

the right one

I asked for a second chance and got it. I think I picked the right one this time. I am just surprised that I was given this chance. I really broke this guy's heart.

So far so good, though. We are having a great time and everything is really relaxed. It feel so comfortbale, but sometimes I think it feels too comfortable. Is it supposed to be like this already? Here I go again, over-analyzing everything. I always do this when I am in a relationship. I can't just let things go the way they are supposed to so I wind up screwing everything up.

I almost did that this weekend. I gave a different guy my phone number right in front of my new guy. Don't ask me why, I guess it just makes me feel good to know that there are still other guys out there who want me and find me attractive. That makes me question whether or not I am truly ready to settle down. I am beginning to see that this whole going clubbing every weekend thing isn't working for me anymore. I never have as much fun as I used to no matter how much I drink or who I am with. I would much rather go to a nice restaraunt and have a noce dinner and go home and relax. That has to count for something, right?

Picked the worng one...AGAIN

Looks like I picked the worng guy again. Why do I always do this? Maybe my friends are right, I like to be treated like crap, which is why I pick all the crappy guys.

I thought for sure I had the right one. He was everything I have been looking for. Good looking, great job, nice salary, adventurous, likes good food and wine, and he wore glasses (the icing on the cake). He is older and I figured more mature; the two usually go hand in hand. Turns out, that is not necessarily true. I have not heard from him in five days after he went out with someone else on Valentine's Day! If you don't like me, fine, but don't ignore me! Grow up. I am sick of dating boys, I want to date a man.

I can only hope that the other guy will still give me a chance. But, do I want that second chance? What does it mean if I can't stop thinking about him, but I am still unsure of whether or not I want a serious relationship with him? He is so great to me and I can see myself marrying hin and having a family and really being happy, but I can't see myself sleeping with him. That is a big part of a relationship for me. If it's not good in the bedroom, it can't be good anywhere else. I know that he is good for me, and I know that my family would love him. Why does it have to be this hard?

Happy Valentine's Say

I am single this Valentine's Day and I don't really have a problem with it...

Lesson Learned

I definitely learned a lesson this time!

There is no way that I can date two guys at one time. It is too stressful and too hurtful to each party involved.

I recently had to break it off with one of the guys I was dating; go figure it was the one who really liked me. He is one of those guys that would run into a burning building to save me knowing that he was not going to make it out. He is going to make a great husband and father for someone one day, but not for me. There was soemthing missing and I didn't want to drag him along until it showed up or until I forced it, it would be false. I have never felt as bad as I did the day I told him we should stop dating. I almost started crying and I wasn't even the one who was being broken up with!

The guy who I am still seeing was hurt, also. He said he felt like I was being "shady" by not telling him things that were going on with the other guy. True, I let out details in my plan, but it was none of his business what I did or who it was with. I told him that I was dating someone else, and when he asked, I was truthful about who I was with. I really like him and I think I really screwed it up. We decided to keep seeing each other and take it from there.

Moral of the story: Don't date two people at once; it's a losing battle.

2 for 1

I am doing something right now that I said I would never do: dating two guys at one time. I always knew of girls who dated more than one person at a time and I never knew how they did it. I always told myself that I would never do that because someone would wind up getting hurt and I just didn't think I had it in me to do it. I got into this situation somewhat by accident. I didn't mean to put myself in this situation.
One relationship branched from friendship and turned into him and me hanging out quite a bit each week, which includes us going to dinner and even taking our dogs to the park together. The other came from us meeting through mutual friends.
This is so stressful and I still don't understand how some people can do it. I am so confused by my feelings and the guys' feelings. I am scared because I don't want to get hurt, but I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, although I am fully aware that this is impossible. My brain is going crazy with trying to decide which one I want to be with. One day a I really like one and then the next I really like the other. Both of them have such great qualities, but they are both so different. I wish there was some wayto mold them into one and that would be the perfect man for me.
I know that I need to make a decision some time soon because if I don't I am going to end up with neither.

Girl + Boy = Friends?

I don't understand why it is so hard for a girl and a guy to just be friends. Why does it have to be someting more? Why do other people have to complicate it and turn it in to something it shouldn't have to be?

I've always had more guy friends than girlfriends because guys tend to be mroe fun with less drama. It always seems to trun into something mor ethan friendship for them, though. Don;t get me wrong, I am absolutely flattered, but if that is what I wanted out of the relationship, I would make it clear. Yes, I know that some of the best and longest lasting relationships start out with the couple being friends, but they wanted to bring on that change. I'm sure that there outside friends did not force them to become something they were not. I thought all of that stopped when you go tout of high school. Guess I was wrong.

It sucks being in that situation with a guy friend because you already hang out all the time together, but now it is awkward because other start to believe that somthing is going on. Then, when you are out in public, no other guy is going to want to hit on you because "Jealous Jim" is right behind you all night. Then, if you do flirt with another guy, you are a bitch because you broke the guy's heart and more than likely your friendship is ruined.

Momma said there'd be days like this, right?